Happy febuary

As always, I can't promise anything. Sorry bout the hiatus. Funny its amazeing what depression can do to you. Truely I underestimated its power.
---- venting ahead
Well the curse goes on. I feel like my rose drops more petals each day. And lately its been looseing more than one petal a day. Enchanted was right. But not everlasting.
I'm still here. I'll always be here, that much is certin. I just. Ugh. I wish I never had a heart. Or emotions. That way it wouldn't have gotten shattred. Still it was nice for a moment to dream. But I was silly.

Who would be brave enough to talk to a beast? spend time with one?...love one? A monster that could have the potential to do something awful.

I was at the petstore the other day. I was watching the tarantulla. It was freakinf scarey. For those who don't know I'm terribly afriad of spiders. But I watched anyway thinking it might cure me of my phobia.(Idk what I was thinking ) Anyway I saw the crickets in the cage. They were so dumb. They climbed all over the spider, hell some even went under it...ya know where its fangs are. The spider wasn't interested however. (Porbablly full from before, or takeing it's sweet time.) It wasn't the first time I saw crickets act so stupidly. I have a lizard the requires crickets. They are really dumb. Climbing over the lizard or whatever preditor on its face or god right near its mouth. Jeezus.
Yet I kinda understand, I am the lizard or spider or whatever that easily hurt the crickets. I don't want to. Not worth it. But only the crickets hang around me. The have no fear. But thats it. Everything else would know to stay away. Or atleast anything with a brian.
So yes, I'm the monster. And the only ones who dare hang or be around with me are crickets. They chirp chirp. Yet I cannot chirp with them. I can hiss I don't get them. They don't get me. But they hang around me because of.... I donno. Cricket reasons. Or just stupidity.

Ah lonliness my motif. Let me tell you how compures fix lonliness. They don't. Much like alcahol it numbs the feeling only for a bit. Yet it can never fill the void.

I live now. For the sake of those who love me and care about me.
But I feel utterly sick. My head is shutting down It takes me a while to process thoughts. I can't concentrate or focus on stuff that matters. Honestly I have no hope in anything at this point. Liveing for me just sucks. I rather not go on. However I must cuz of people. So no don't worry I'm not going anywhere.
I see no hope. I see no light. I have no faith. I'm dead inside. And everything is static. I care about nothing. And it sucks. Only now do I understand how Erik died after chirstine left him to be with another. Fool.....I understand all to well. If I ever die I think its most likely due to a brocken heart.
But like I said I'm chained to life. So NO I'm not going to do anything foolish. Hell I don't even have the thought process or energy to do so.

So this valentines day . Be happy, be happy that you can be happy. Be happy and grateful for haveing a best friend, or a super close friend. Be happy if you have a signifcant other at all. And if you are alone go hang with friends. Don't follow my path.
I'm clincly unable to be happy. I hope that you aren't so I beg of you go do things to make you happy all the time.
I wanna spare all of my fate.

Also It'll be cool if you guys checked out my stuff on youtube [link]

-JFD

MyBuds


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